I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
