pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
