She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
