My hand turned me down
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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