i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
