is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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