Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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