omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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