I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
