I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
