genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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