so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
