True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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