why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
