that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
