these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
