Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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