Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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