I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
