I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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