I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
