Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
