i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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