She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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