Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
