I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
