He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
