i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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