I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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