I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
