My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
