god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
