Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
