I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
