dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
