He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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