so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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