You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You ruined the universe
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
