is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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