I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Randomize
