Plan B is the new Plan A
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
