I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
