I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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