Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
