im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
