i would punch a child for taco bell
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
