Need sex. Gaining weight.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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