Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
