on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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