just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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