umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
